Hope

First, I have to start this out by saying that John is the strongest-willed person I know. For those of you who know him understand this statement to be true. Throughout our relationship, I have seen him set his mind on something and he makes it happen. I have heard many childhood stories of John’s desire for a particular want – and next thing you know he has it. As his wife, I think that is the hardest part of the last year. John has all the will in the world to make the cancer go away – and yet it is here. He has tried all of the treatments that they offer him, even when he knows that the treatment will wipe him out. He goes to his dialysis treatments and makes it the entire time, even when at the end of the treatment he feels like he has been run over. He does all of this with dignity and grace that I can only pray I would still have after all this time.
As mentioned in my previous posts John, was given his first IV chemo on the 10th of August. His treatment was scheduled for the 10th and the 17th. (He had been doing an “inhibitor” cancer treatment for 33 weeks that initially seemed to be keeping the tumors at bay, but stopped working.) We were very nervous about how John would react to the chemo because he has no kidneys to clean the toxins out of his body. About five hours after the treatment his body started to confirm our fears. He had high fevers, chills, and confusion. This was a very long week with lots of possible trips to the ER. He received his second dose on the 17th – and was going to start the other chemo along with it – but when he got his second dose he became very confused and was in extreme pain. By Wednesday afternoon, he was in the hospital. The doctor told us that he would not be able to do the chemo treatments any longer. The positive “issue” with having no kidneys is that the chemo that he did have stayed in longer with him than the average person, so it may have helped with some of the tumors!
John wanted to fight this with everything he has – and he did! There comes a time when you have to say that the quality of your life is more important that the quantity. Right now John is very weak, and is having an extremely hard time keeping food down. We are praying that as the chemo dissipates out of his body he will start feeling better. As we all should our family is going to make every effort to spend time together.
I do not claim to know the future as to what will happen to John or any one of us – our God is the True Great Physician. I do not know if God will heal John’s body here on Earth or if He will take him home to be with Him for his ultimate COMPLETE healing. But I do know that God loves us even when we do not feel it. I know that if given the chance to go back in time, I would not change a thing – other than argue less, and love more. With that being said, I am going to stop blogging and go hang with my family!
Romans 5:3-4 “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” We choose to keep our hope in God.